Guys, don’t do this on Tinder!

It’s been a while, but I finally have some free time to write another post about the magnificent invention that is Tinder.

I Tinder a lot, that’ no secret. I’ve been using the app for a year now and I believe I have enough experience to help guys when it comes to the fine art of setting a Tinder profile.

I’ve helped a lot of guys in the past so they increase their chances on getting a match. I don’t know if they were successful, the profile is just the beginning, I can’t help you with your Tinder messaging game.

Instead of telling you what to do, I took the time to take a lot of screenshots of what you should definitely NOT have on your profile. And this is just me talking, some girls might like these crazy photos, you never know.

1. The pull up shirt guy  

Screenshot_2015-05-01-05-47-32We get it dude. You’re extremely hot, or at least you think you are, that will depend on a girl’s definition of hot. You’re not hot to me, I can’t stand guys that pull up their shirts to take a picture. You’re probably just a douche.

2. The deep V tank

Screenshot_2015-04-28-19-36-30This is a variation of the first guy. He’s also a douche, goes to a club every single night to get some random girl and ditch her the next morning but he doesn’t pull up the shirt because it’s not necessary, the shirt does all the work. Is he duck facing??

3. The no shirt guy


This is just the worst. And he’s using a car as a mirror…dude…

(Did you notice they’re all Portuguese? Do you understand me now?)

4. The faceless guy

Screenshot_2015-04-29-00-19-57This is a dating app, I’m going to judge you by your looks. Enough said.

5. The kid


Why would I want to look at the kid version of you? And it’s your profile picture? Seriously?

6. The guy WITH kids


Nop, nop, nop, nop. I think just like guys, no kids for me, thank you!

7. The guy who has a girlfriend

Screenshot_2015-05-01-15-39-58Kudos for you bro, you must be very successful around here.

8. The “I have a lot of friends” guy


Is this an invitation for an orgy?

9. The guy next to Marilyn Monroe’s grave

Screenshot_2015-05-13-17-42-20Is this something people do nowadays? I’m pretty confused on what to think about this…

10. The Barney Stinson’s pupil 

Screenshot_2015-04-28-19-34-30I’m a huge fan of the show and that’s exactly why I’m swipping left on you.

11. The artsy guy


Wrong app, you’re looking for Behance.

12. The monkey

Screenshot_2015-05-05-09-39-29I swear, this was this monkey’s profile. Creative, I give you that. Not sure if I’m ready to go out with a plastic monkey though.

13. I just don’t know what this is


I need help for this one.


What would you think of me judging from my phone

All of the below might be true.

  • This girl must be into some Wes Anderson crazy shit.

The wallpaper

  • Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Vine, Pinterest. She has it all. Wait, where’s Twitter? Is she not on twitter? What kind of person is not on Twitter??
  • How many calendar apps one needs? This chick must be a control freak!
  • Contacts: Alex from Tinder, Ben from Tinder, John from Tinder…..
  • Whatsapp messages: Alex from Tinder, Ben from Tinder, John from Tinder…..
  • Let’s see her music playlists. Who is Chet Faker? Who is Mac Demarco? Who is The Babe Rainbow? I give up….
  • Now the photo gallery: Tinder conversations screenshots, Instagram posts screenshots, random dogs pictures.
  • She doesn’t have any games!
  • If she lives in Lisbon, why is her forecast prediction for Melbourne?
  • 8 new Tinder matches and 3 new messages. Is this an average Tinder day for a girl?
  • Let’s go back to the calendar: Friday – Lunch with Alex from tinder; Saturday – Drinks with Ben from Tinder; Sunday – Brunch with John from Tinder.

(pulls out own phone – downloading Tinder)

My Aussie boyfriend for a weekend only

Last minute decisions.

I just realized he’s online on my Facebook chat and all the memories rushed to my head.

By now you should know my modus operandi. Tinder. This time, I’m going back to April 1st when I matched with an Aussie guy. His pictures suggests he travels a lot and that he is good looking but not that good looking but since he’s Australian and I’m known for fainting just by hear their accent, I swiped right. We’re a match!  He immediately sends me a message and I engage to the conversation.

After chatting for a couple of days we decided to meet for a drink. I was working till 11.30 pm that day so the only option we had was to meet around midnight. I know, I know…booty call alert!!! But still, I said yes. Do I need to say again that he’s Australian? I’d meet him at 6 am just so I could hear him talk! At 11.30 pm I nervously rushed to my car. When I got to the place I sent him a message and he replied almost instantly. It said “I’m by the McDonald’s add”. I could see that add from where I was and there was in fact a guy there. But it was definitely not the guy I was expecting. I approached him and he recognized me. It took me a minute to take that all in. I was REVERSED CATFISHED. That means he was EXTREMELY HOT. Not just good looking like I was expecting. I remember telling my best friend “I’m going to have a drink with this Aussie guy but he’s not THAT kind of Aussie guy”, that means he’s not like this:


But I was reversed catfished and he DID LOOK like that! Here I was, standing in front of a blonde Chet Faker doppelganger losing my shit. I don’t know how I was able to say “Hi” and I definitely don’t know how I was able to spend 2 hours talking to this guy. That accent…I’m losing my shit just to think about it. He never made any move until it was time for me to leave. That was when that Aussie god put his hand on my knee and leaned in. I think he was going for a kiss and I gave him my cheek. Classic Débora.

Next couple of days we kept on messaging each other. I couldn’t forgive myself for unwillingly turning him down and I knew he was traveling across the country with his family so one day I decided to check where he was. He replied saying he was going to spend the weekend in Porto. I was supposed to go to Porto last month but had to make a last minute cancellation. He then said “It would be awesome if you could join me”. That little sentence was the devil’s advocate. I went to work and told my friend about this recent Australian affair. He talked me into going to Porto for 5 hours. This was on a Thursday night. I was on my way to Porto on Saturday morning. In case you don’t know, and I bet you don’t, it takes between 3 to 4 hours to get to Porto from Lisbon.

As soon as I got there I sent him a message. We were meeting for a drink later in the afternoon but then he had tickets for a football game I really didn’t want to go. Again, still no idea how I spent another hour listening to that accent. We agreed on meeting after dinner.

Since my orientation skills are as good as my German, I got lost a lot and couldn’t find a place to grab some dinner. He hadn’t had anything to eat as well so we decided to meet at a restaurant and have dinner together. I got there and there were 3 Australians, 1 New Zealander, 2 Canadians and 1 Brazilian waiting for me. What a group! We had a pleasant (and cheap!) meal and went straight to the city’s nightlife area. Damn it was crowded! We got into the first pub we saw. I needed alcohol by that time I was still not used to the accent. Mojito after mojito and sangria after sangria I was finally able to try to boost some dance moves. That and my onesie were the hit of the night. The other people were slowly leaving the pub because a) they were still suffering from jet lag and b) they are not used to party until late at night. Eventually it was Aussie guy and me. Tipsy me. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t speaking proper English by that time but hey, he was understanding me. This is a little side note but earlier on that day he told me what pashing means. For those of you who are not familiar with Australian lingo, pashing is, and I quote, “an Australian term for heavy duty kissing between teenagers.” Bear this in mind.

So Aussie guy and tipsy Débora are alone. Aussie guy makes a move and I’ve learned from my mistakes. This time I don’t give him my cheek. I was so proud of myself and what did I do immediately after that? “Hey, what’s that word you taught me earlier?” Aussie guy cracks up.

Let’s just say it was a successful night and that eventually I could pass beyond the accent.

On the next morning we had breakfast together and I was proudly showing of my Australian boyfriend. I just wish I could post his picture here for you to understand. You’d high five me if you saw him!

He’s back in Australia now. We still message each other from time to time and it’s a lot easier when you don’t have to hear the accent! He was my first Australian boyfriend and boy was I off to a good start.

A tall girl in a Portuguese world

First world problems.

I’m living a nightmare. I’m a 5’10 girl (1.78 m) and I live in Portugal. Do you know the average height of a Portuguese man?

A new study has shown that the average height of European men has grown by 11 centimeters in 110 years, and in Portugal, even though men have also grown taller, they are still among the shortest of the 15 countries studied.

Men are short!!! According to this study, Portuguese men grow to 5’7 (1.72 m). Even though I know men that are taller than that, they still are shorter than me or about the same height as I am.

Since I live in midget land I have to explore other territories. During my 24 years of life I’ve had two Portuguese boyfriends. One was about the same height as I am and the other was maybe 1 inch shorter. It’s not that bad. But as a girl it feels weird to be taller than the guy you’re with. Women are supposed to be delicate and men are supposed to be bigger so they can protect them. But I’m just like Brienne of Tarth. Portuguese men aren’t for me and their height is reason number 1 I started dating foreign guys. And it’s just like the saying “once you go black you never come back”. Now that I have this weird rule that I must date only foreign guys (thank God Lisbon is one of the most touristy places in Europe at the moment) I have a hard time imagining myself with a compatriot of mine.

But hey, I’m not that shallow. I admit I stopped dating Portuguese men because of their height at first but with time and experience I learned that they still have a lot to learn when it comes to the art of approaching a girl. I can prove this presenting you some Tinder evidences (it’s not that legit of an evidence but it is what I got).

                  Evidence one – the foreigner                  Evidence two – the Portuguese


Translation – that “hey, how are you” chit chat and then “So what do you do for a living?”.

He got me bored so I stopped replying.

Guys, step up your game. Of course height isn’t everything but the ability to make a girl laugh means a lot to us. But for now I’ll continue exploring foreign territories.

The dating scene for a 24 year old girl with braces

I’ve never been in a relationship since I got my braces

I’m on tinder as I write this.  I don’t get all the hate towards the app. It’s actually pretty cool to me! I think that in order for you to understand my affirmation, you should know the following info about me:

  • If I happen to find someone attractive, everybody is going to notice. Literally everybody. I turn red. I feel intimidated by good looking people. And I’m not talking about ridiculously good looking people, just slightly above average good looking people.
  • If so person decides to approach me I then proceed to mumbling sounds. I can’t speak. Suddenly I don’t know any Portuguese or English or German (you know, from those 10 words I know in German).
  • I’ll find anything so person says or do funny. I mean….I’ll hysterically laugh.

You get the point of how successful I am on face to face encounters. That’s why I use Tinder. It’s easy to find someone I reckon I might be able to interact with. Usually I talk to a person for a few days before we decide to meet (if we end up meeting) and by that time I’ve mastered the necessary skills to keep a long lasting conversation with a guy without looking like an hormonal teenager.

(By now it has been over 10 hours since I started writing this, I’m no longer on Tinder. Just thought you should know.)

After all the preparation it takes for me to go out with someone I realize – Wait, I have braces! Yes, I’m a 24 year old girl with braces and I noticed not one of my profile pictures on Tinder shows that. It’s not on purpose, I really don’t take a lot of pictures. The selfie game is not for me. After this realization, I get all nervous again because what 24 year old girl has braces? All these questions pop in my head, I think I even googled at one point “Dating for adults with braces”. Should I tell him? Is there a non awkward way to drop the braces bomb? Are my braces a bomb?

Time to meet him. Here I am, I think that’s him over there. “Hi, I’m Débora. Nice to meet you. Should we go grab something to drink?”. I gotta tell you, 100% of the times I met someone, we go and grab that drink, we talk and nobody seems bothered by my braces. This can be because a) braces really don’t matter to anyone except for the person who has them; b) I’m so awesome the guy sees beyond my braces. I’d like to think b is the answer. But really, who the hell cares about braces anyway?